Would you drink wine from a carton? Or a bag? (NO PULP)

Decanter reports that wine is going to be packed in cartons in the UK for the first time. No one really knows whether these cartons will take off or not, similar products have not exactly set the market alight. They are slightly better for the environment and potentially good value, if you like that sort of thing. And therein lies the problem for me. I don’t like that kind of thing.

It’s not a snobbery issue, I wouldn’t care if wine was served from a shoe if it was adequately delicious. Orange juice comes from a carton. Wine comes from a bottle. Good wine definitely comes from a bottle. I don’t know if cartons will catch on or not, they might develop a following among those who think along the lines of ‘what’s the point in going to a wine merchant, when the supermarket sells all the wines I need’ and isn’t fussed about how it comes, as long as they can declare to everyone that they have discovered a bargain.

I was curious to see whether there were other containers of wine currently on the market. A trip to the food court in M&S at lunchtime informed me that you can buy a small can of wine, or even a little plastic cup with foil across the top – ideal for a wine related emergency that could be solved with just one glass (I find wine emergencies usually require more, personally, so I didn’t buy either, even for journalistic research purposes). Further research back at my desk taught me that you can also purchase this delightful ladies’ handbag that is full of wine and has a tap on the side – ‘no more shame’ … ‘to appeal to a classy lady heading out to lunch with the girls’ (or perhaps more appropriately, a classy bird who wants to get absolutely smashed at lunchtime by discreetly sneaking their own wine into the restaurant).

I wasn’t sure about wine in a bag, although I definitely think Mrs 12×75 is classy enough to pull it off. I had some ideas of my own though, that I wanted to share with the readers of 12×75.com…

Student Wine – A large quantity of wine, served in a plastic pint glass, tastes suspiciously like it has a shot of Tequila in it. Rip the lid off and down it in one. Can be easily sneaked into the Students’ Union within oversized clothing and has a suspicious ‘head’ on it so it can be easily disguised as a much more fashionable pint of lager.
Emergency Wine – Emergency wine is stored in a large device resembling a fire extinguisher and must not be accessed unless there is a genuine emergency. It can be commonly found in places of business, and contains instructions for use wherein the person within the business who has the least urgent need for wine should break the seal and administer the wine liberally into the mouths of all those who are affected.
Wine on Wheels – a large supply of wine encased in a device resembling a tartan shopping trolley that can be wheeled around comfortably and conveniently. The wine can be administered at any time via a long straw, so there is no need to stop what you are doing, it is an all-purpose ‘wine on the go’ solution.

Now I don’t know if any of my containers will catch on, but at least each of them has a USP – can you honestly say that about cartons? Let’s look at the reasons for buying wine in a carton – it might be marginally better for the environment. But don’t we recycle our glass now, is the industry now telling us this isn’t enough? You might escape some tax that comes from bottling but it is only good value if you like what’s inside the carton. And what is inside the carton will be a perfectly drinkable but ordinary wine with a short lifespan. But I drink wine to be impressed, so I’m afraid this one isn’t for me…