Types of Wine and What They Really Say About You

Let’s start with a confession, shall we?

The first time I ever tried to buy a “serious” bottle of wine, I walked into an independent shop, scanned the room like a man pretending to be rich in a car showroom, and grabbed the bottle with the most unreadable label. I figured if I couldn’t pronounce it, it had to be good.

Of course, it tasted like regret and melted crayons, but by that point I was too far gone to admit I had no idea what I was doing. I nodded appreciatively. I swirled. I said “tannic” like I knew what it meant.

So if you’re here looking to understand the different types of wine, congratulations—you’re already more honest than I ever was.

And if you’re here because you’re hoping to pass off this knowledge at your next dinner party, then strap in. We’re about to tour the grape-stained underworld of vino, from red to rosé, via people who swirl but never sip, and those who think Lambrusco is a rare Italian violin.

Red Wine: The Philosopher’s Drink

 

Ah yes, red wine—favourite of serious men with beards, tortured poets, and that guy at your cousin’s wedding who insists on decanting the supermarket Merlot into a jam jar “to let it breathe.”

Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, Syrah, and Pinot Noir are your heavyweight champions here. Each comes with its own personality:

• Cab Sauv: Bold, structured, and convinced it’s the main character in every conversation.

• Merlot: Mellow, medium-bodied, forever stuck in a mid-life crisis.

• Syrah/Shiraz: Spicy, meaty, and full of the sort of intensity that suggests it reads war memoirs for fun.

• Pinot Noir: Light, complex, and desperately in need of therapy.

Red wine types are best served room temperature, which—just to clarify for anyone reading this from a student flat—does not mean “hotter than Satan’s armpit.” Aim for around 16–18°C, not whatever your radiator left it at overnight.

White Wine: For Brunches, Beaches and Bad Decisions

If red wine is an old soul in a tweed blazer, white wine is its fun, slightly reckless younger sibling. Think Sauvignon Blanc, Chardonnay, Pinot Grigio, and Riesling.

• Sauv Blanc: Crisp, citrusy, and always one passive-aggressive comment away from telling you what it really thinks.

• Chardonnay: The wine world’s marmite. You either hate it because your aunt did, or you love it because you’ve realised she was right.

• Pinot Grigio: The “I’m not really into wine” wine. Easy, agreeable, and utterly non-confrontational.

• Riesling: Sweet or dry, and usually misunderstood—like the gifted kid in school who now sells crystals online.

White wine should be served chilled, not frozen. Unless you’re trying to recreate the icy heart of your ex. In which case, go ahead.

Rosé: Not Just for Instagram Anymore

 

Rosé wine used to be dismissed as the preserve of people who only drink on bank holidays and buy wine by colour. But like everything else once ridiculed (see: Crocs, Colin Firth), it has found redemption.

From the dry, Provençal pinks that whisper of summers in Saint-Tropez (you know, hypothetically), to the sweeter blushes that taste like strawberry squash with ideas above its station—rosé now holds its own.

It also conveniently bridges the gap at awkward barbecues. Don’t want red with your burger but feel Chardonnay’s too basic for your chakras? Rosé it is.

Sparkling Wine: Bubbles and Bold Behaviour

Sparkling wine is what you drink when you’re celebrating, lying about celebrating, or just feel like Wednesday deserves better. And while Champagne likes to think it owns the genre, we’re not playing that game.

Yes, Champagne is the Dom. But have you met its cousins?

• Prosecco: Italy’s answer to “I want bubbles but not bankruptcy.”

• Cava: Spain’s sparkling dark horse—underrated, dry, and often criminally cheap.

• English Sparkling Wine: Yes, it’s real. And yes, it’s won blind tastings against the French. Take that, Napoleon.

Bubbles mean business. They’re also responsible for most of your worst photos from weddings.

Dessert Wine: For People Who Eat Custard With a Spoon

These are the unsung heroes. The misunderstood legends. The liquid puddings.

Sauternes, Tokaji, Port, Ice Wine—these are your dessert wines. Bold in sugar, rich in history, and often sipped by the type of person who calls actual pudding “a course.”

They’re made from grapes that have been raisined by noble rot, frozen on the vine, or just generally tortured into becoming syrupy perfection. Yes, it’s more expensive than that chocolate mousse, but it lasts longer and impresses more.

Drink it when you want to pretend you know what you’re doing. Bonus points if you pronounce Sauternes correctly (hint: the “s” is silent—like your bank account after buying a bottle).

Fortified Wine: Where Wine Meets Liquor and Chaos Ensues

 

Port, Sherry, Madeira, and Vermouth. Once the realm of grandads and dusty decanters, fortified wines are now enjoying a glow-up.

• Port: Perfect with cheese or after you’ve lost at Monopoly and need to recalibrate your life.

• Sherry: From bone-dry Fino to treacle-thick PX, it’s like your eccentric aunt: complicated, fabulous, and impossible to explain.

• Madeira: Wine that’s been baked. Literally. Like your decision-making after three glasses.

• Vermouth: No, it’s not just for Martinis. Drink it chilled. Pretend you’re in Barcelona. Mispronounce it anyway.

Fortified wines pack a punch, often clocking in at 17–20% ABV. Handle with care unless your goal is “tipsy philosopher at 2pm”.

Natural, Organic & Orange Wines: types of wine For Hipsters and the Curious

The new kids on the block—or rather, the old methods repackaged with clever labels.

• Natural Wine: Unfiltered, untamed, and often smells like a petting zoo. But that’s part of the charm.

• Orange Wine: White wine made like red wine. It’s amber, cloudy, and somehow tastes like archaeology.

• Organic/Biodynamic: Grown with more respect for the moon than your last relationship.

This category is less about taste and more about vibes. You don’t just drink these—you experience them. Preferably in a converted warehouse with someone called Felix.

A Word on Wine Snobs (Yes, We See You)

Understanding the types of wine is one thing. Using that knowledge to humblebrag during dinner is quite another.

A little knowledge is dangerous. A lot of knowledge is annoying. The sweet spot? Just enough to know your Pinot from your plonk, but not so much that you correct people on their pronunciation of Gewürztraminer.

Drink what you love. Try what you don’t. And remember—no one really knows what “mouthfeel” means. They’re just saying that so they can talk longer while holding the bottle.

Conclusion: The Only ‘Type’ of Wine That Matters

 

You can memorise every grape, region, and vintage under the Tuscan sun—but if you’re not enjoying yourself, you might as well be drinking squash.

The real point of learning about the types of wine isn’t to show off. It’s to explore. To laugh at your own pretentious tasting notes. To find that weird Hungarian thing you tried once and can’t forget.

So next time you’re faced with a wine list longer than a Tolstoy novel, breathe deeply. Pick something you’ve never heard of. And if all else fails, just smile knowingly and ask: “Do you have anything… funky?”

Now go forth. Sip. Swirl. Pretend to sniff the cork. The world of wine awaits—just don’t forget to laugh at it occasionally.